the video post was intentional.

as i realized that the blessed PhD is what i am committed to. as opposed to a freelance job. a PhD for 4+ years where all my freedom, choice and sensuality have gone to die. i don't have to tackle the status quo. the status quo controls my options. not too many ifs, ands or buts there.

Cat Stevens - If you want to sing out

confessions. annoying - yes. dangerous - no for the most part. confessions about shortcomings. confessions about an indiscretion.

shortcomings. indiscretion. some ascribe it to the randomness of life. you cannot plan everything now can you? some think of it not as an expression of a complex - insecurity or need for instance - but just as an obsession for a moment. living life by the rule book? seriously. are you deluded? so much for the weekend that just went by.

the week begins. for several eons now, under occupation i have been a student. so i sit down to read and write. first comes E. short and sassy encounter. then comes DB and S. short and devoid of trouble. not much to tell. and then comes D sans any cue followed by T. both of them waiting to be rescued. one more than the other. and i making amazing strides to help things lighten up. all the time wishing i could just say. the problem is in your head. so stop thinking that a steady ground is non-existent.

harping on the theme of non-existent stuff, where are all the stunning, intelligent and funny people? oh lord i need to graduate. and re-locate. like Feng Shui. and my luck will change. and suddenly all around me i hear a million echoes. which is essentially a good thing. looking forward to days of being able to take the plunge. living right on the edge.

updates on the virtual medium. watched Prime. again not much to tell. 37 year old Rafi Gardet, a successful professional residing in New York city in a relationship with 23 year old struggling artist David Bloomberg. but she has a past which continues in the present. she is recovering from a divorce and trying to seek solace through professional help. her shrink. Lisa Metzger who also happens to be Dave's mother. chew on that. an overbearingly doting Jewish mother trying very hard to do justice to Rafi who stands at the crossroads of being confident and single and being delicate and fragile. director tries hard to invoke the drama. but in the absence of any chemistry, it does not pan out. Rafi (played by Thurman) holds Dave's (played by Bryan Greenberg) hands, kisses him and makes love. and all the time i think of their intimacy as woman holding boy's hands to make him feel nice. no passion. and commitment. phew. drama ends in nothingness. how predictable. cannot even love the director for trying. i ejected the DVD. and thought to myself. screw the PhD. give me money. and a few trusted technicians. i would bring a bigger crowd to the theaters. just about any day.

"At first it was a giant column that soon took the shape of a supramundane mushroom."

William L. Laurence; Drama of the Atomic Bomb Found Climax in July 16 Test; The New York Times; Sep 26, 1945; quoted in The Yale Book of Quotations

variety is the spice of life. they say it is true. am beginning to wonder. what is exactly meant by this and used under what context? austere realism with an idealistic reasoning might often prove to be futile, when arguing about spice of life and variety. a conformist would saliently believe this to be the antecedent of existence. however insurgents would construe this as a societal saying. in any case the projected idea is self contained and that is its all for one's glee which ever road they choose in life.

no kidding!

i spent the better part of my evening watching Marleen Gorris's Antonia's Line. an academy award winner for the best foreign language film in 1995, Gorris's work scrambles the lives of four generations in approximately an hour and forty minutes. Antonia's Line can best be described as a good on paper movie. like a good on paper investment. or a good on paper vacation resort. when it comes to cinema, routine or stability does not score with me. i go for aberrations. Gorris's creation was predictable. there was simply no allure. a great deal of which i ascribe to my innate ability to just know what is to come.

my day was good. filled with much needed moments of solitude. except for the london connection. the man termed this connection as our religion. to which i promptly agreed with the addendum that this religious code feeds not on sweet hopefulness but on copious amounts of cynicism. to which he retorted by stating the inevitable. the desperate wanton need for the religion. the only religion in which the exchange of notes on parenting and soulmates are ripe with seemingly endless possibilities. and that makes us high. we ridicule and scrutinize each other with enormous fervor. and can afford to do so because our religion has a warranty for life.